Say something
by Zivarocks44
Summary: "What if... what if I don't want to be free?", Tag to Truth or Consequences, takes place right after they get out of the camp. Tony/Ziva, Gibbs/Ziva.


_**Tag to Truth or Consequences, takes place right after they get out of the camp. Tony/Ziva, Gibbs/Ziva. Angst.**_

_**...**_

_"Where's Ziva?" McGee mumbles still half asleep._

_"Oh, well we dropped her off in Israel, Daddy dearest was so worried."_

_"You think that's funny? It's not the least bit fu-"_

_"You don't think I know that?"_

_"DiNozzo. Stop."_

_…_

_"Here, drink some water… c'mon Ziver just a little."_

_She does not even blink as she stares right through him._

_Tony and McGee both sigh as they feel this overwhelming wave of sadness and guilt set over them. _

_They know it's not their fault, for God's sake they thought she was dead and now she's right in front of them, breathing even though she looks like she could break at any touch._

_"It's okay. We'll try again later."_

_…_

_Gibbs starts wiping over Ziva's bruised and dirty face with a wet cloth and she doesn't even flinch when he dabs on the big gash on her temple. _

_She's so still and as the hours pass by they all grow increasingly worried. _

_They all sigh out of relief when she finally stops staring at the spot in the right corner and lets her paper thin eyelids fall. _

_Seconds after they're sure she's asleep they all close their eyes - except Gibbs. He keeps stroking Ziva's hair oh so lightly as she lies on the gurney with blankets wrapped around her skeleton body. _

_She looks like a dead body that was forgotten to be put in a body bag.…_

_They're all sitting, Abby and McGee sleeping, in Gibbs' living room when they hear it._

_It starts out with tortured screaming filled with agony. Abby wakes up, tears start rolling down her cheeks. Gibbs and Tony are already on their way up the stairs to the bedroom._

_By the time they reach the half opened door the screaming has turned into frightened whimpering, then sobbing and the pleads they both know she never gave into using in those fours months in the desert._

_The sight in front of him makes is heart soar. _

_He walks right in and he's about to scoop her up in his arms when Gibbs puts a hand on his arm._

_"We don't know where she is right now. She could hurt herself trying to fight us off." _

_"Well then what do we do Boss I can't take watching her-"_

_The sudden lack of any sound at all coming from the little body curled like a wounded animal stops him._

_"Kill me."_

_…_

_That night they have to sedate her as she wails and trembles and bleeds for thirty minutes straight, oblivious to her surroundings and begging them to kill her, and Ducky is sure she won't have any voice back tomorrow. _

_As they watch Ducky attend to the reopened wounds because of her violent jerks, they admit to themselves that they are terrified by what just went down._

_…_

_They start to worry for her sanity and Ducky is already seeking help for her._

_The next night when Tony checks on her he finds her on the floor whimpering so quietly._

_Each touch brought a moan from her. Each moan ripped away a tiny piece of his heart._

_His heart breaks in so many ways and he holds back the hot tears burning the back of his eyelids as he scoops her up and tucks her in bed. _

_…_

_"Next time… do not put me on a bed. Leave me on the floor."_

_…_

_The next night she is on the floor again._

_He can't do anything because he don't wanna take the last bit of freedom she allows herself to have of insisting on sleeping on the floor._

_That night he lets the tears fall willingly. _

_…_

_She's indrawn and quiet. She does not talk and when they talk to her she does not answer most of the time. The times she hears what they say she gives them something that resembles a slow hesitant nod._

_Gibbs has taken a couple of week's leave to take care of her but they're all fearing it's gonna be a lot longer. _

_She just lies on the couch with cushions all around her fragile bones and watches TV - this spanish cooking-program - it's the only thing she finds interest in. _

_..._

_One evening Tony goes to her favorite bookstore on his way to Gibbs' but when he shows her some of the books he bought, which he knows for fact are some of her favorite, she just starts shaking hard her head and she suddenly has trouble breathing. She begins to cry and this overwhelmingly sadness on her face makes him want to just crush her little body against his, tight tight._

_But she's so weak and he ends up wrapping her carefully in his arms as he rocks them both, back and forth. He has no words anymore. There is nothing left to say. He feels like just giving up on any hope of full mental recovery. _

_…_

_Gibbs has been trying to increase her food intake but she still eats half of the portions he serves her before getting nauseous even though Abby has been talking with the doctors and has made dishes specifically to be post-4-months-of-starvation-friendly._

_He suspects it has nothing to do with her being full. _

_…_

_"You're free Ziva."_

_"No I am not. They are all over me, everywhere, all the time."_

_"They're only there if you allow it."_

_"You are wrong."_

_"Ziva, I need you to open up to me about what it is you see when you suffer from a panic attack."_

_"No."_

_"I know it's hard, but I can't help you unless you open up to me. You can't be free inside if you keep it all there."_

_"What if… I do not want to be free?"_

_…_

_"All her actions are controlled by this mentality Mr. Gibbs. She doesn't think she deserves freedom - so she doesn't eat, sleeps on her floor, denies herself comfort from you and when she gets it she feels like she has to punish herself. _

_Good news - it's good that you have had her stay at your place and that you've taken care of her so far. That somebody has been there by her side by the end of the day. Otherwise she would have given up a long time ago and this would have been much harder. _

_Bad news - I think… I think we need to consider turning to medical matters. It's critical."_

_…_

_The first time she smiles is on a November morning. _

_Her hair is a curly mess and her cheeks are pink. She looks so young. She opens her eyes when Gibbs presses a kiss to her temple and she smiles and her eyes are shinning as she whispers "I had a good dream this night" as if it's only meant for their eyes even though they are the only ones in the room._

_He finds that he enjoys this sight far more than the shirtless, boneless and terrified Ziva with cuts and scrapes all over her skin lying like a dead corpse as the doctors had stitched her up like they'd been trying to put back a broken porcelain doll._

_Right after breakfast - which she by the way has eaten up completely - he texts them all as she watches the spanish cooking program on the TV._

**_- She had a good dream. Progress._**

_…_

_One morning during breakfast he notices how she opens and closes her mouth for ten minutes before she hesitantly ask in a little voice._

_"Can I….Uh, can I- I mean can we cook something maybe?"_

_"Let's do it. What's the dish Ziver?" he tries to so say as casually as possible._

_"It's a spanish dish…" _

_…_

_That night they invite the whole team over for dinner to taste Ziva's cooking and even though they all can feel the lack of creativity that she'd had for food before, they all smile brightly and give her a thumbs off and hug her telling her how skilled she is. _

_She allows herself the comfort and love without limits that they offer her._


End file.
